4 Steps for Freelancing as an Astronaut

The first thing that you have to do is get into shape! We suggest tying heavy rocks around both your ankles and running up and down your street while chanting the song of the astronaut. If you don’t know what that is, just yell “I’M GOING TO SPACE” at the top of your lungs.

Befriend Generalissimo Panda

You might not know this, but the animal kingdom is an actual kingdom and like any kingdom worth its salt, it has a space program. The problem is the fact that Pandas are too heavy to be shot up into space. So, that’s where you come in! We suggest that you bring a bouquet of bamboos in order to woo over prospective clients.

How do you get in touch? Well, it is a common known fact that all pandas are psychically linked. So run down to your local zoo and jump into a bear enclosure. Make sure that you explain to the panda that you want to be part of their space program. Later, you will be picked up by the special black and white panda car and taken to the training facility.

Be sure that the car says P.O.L.I.C.E, which stands for Panda’s Outer space Learning Institution of Celestial Experience. Make sure that you tell the P.O.L.I.C.E officers that you look forward to working with them and their panda overlords. Remember, if they deny the truth, that pandas work in the shadows.

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Get Elected Prime Minister

Okay, first, you have to spend years studying political sciences. After you have a good grasp of how politics work, you get yourself elected. Once you get elected, end every day watching House of Cards for inspiration. Once you have your inspiration make yourself Prime Minister at any cost.

After you’ve become prime minister build a humongous cannon and decree that it is a human right to be shot off into space. People won’t question your decisions because they’ll be too busy wondering why it is that you suddenly developed a charming southern accent… Even though you’ve never been near southern parts of the United States.

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Write a REALLY Catchy Pop Song

To get this to work, you have to invest in a space suit and become acquainted with a guitar. After you’ve done that, get a helicopter to drop you into the wilderness. Write so many songs that you can only think in rhymes. Get to the point that you don’t know where you end and your songs begin. At this point, do not be worried if your guitar suddenly starts talking to you.

After that, go to the most dangerous bar you know and start singing. If none of these violent thugs begin to attack you and their leader sheds a single tear, you’ve got a hit in your hands. Your song will become so popular there will be no escape, no release for any of those involved.

After you’ve reached this level, put on your space suit, get your guitar ready and wait. When you see the ravaging horde that your song has created, start playing your song. With hatred for your song being their only fuel, they will merge in order to become Hipster Prime. Hipster Prime will then pick you up and throw you into space using his massive hipster muscles.

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Evolve

Sit inside your room and close all the doors and shut off the lights. Have you done that? Good, now close your eyes (wait! Do that later) and look within yourself. Find within yourself the cosmic freelancer that resides within all of us. Once you’ve made contact, tell him that you’re a bit hungry for a sandwich…. Made of stars.

If everything goes well, you will receive the combined energy of every sun in the universe. Will you survive? Uhh… Freelance! Anyway, after you’ve received all of that power, you can (hopefully) encase yourself in your super freelance bubble and travel the stars.

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Well, if you’ve followed this list, you are a very impressive human being, or, certifiably insane. I’m not too sure which you’d fall under. I know what you’re thinking! But SurveyBee! You don’t tell us what sorts of jobs we can find in space! Well, we believe that if you shoot yourself up to space, jobs will find you! Eventually…

By catapulting yourself into space you show that you’ve got guts! You show that you don’t wait around for a market to form, you’re a first mover! All of these qualities are the qualities that businesses need the most. Once you’ve reached the stratosphere, all you’ll have to do is lean back and wait for the jobs to roll in.

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Disclaimer (seriously?): Shooting yourself into space is a mildly bad idea. If you wish to find actually good freelancing advice go to the best guide to become a freelancer.